20 Weeks

I've written this post so many times. Only to erase it or save it as a draft for later. I decided last night that I needed to actually write and post this.  Jason and I went and saw the Forgotten Carols last night. I've always loved the Forgotten Carols, my family would read the book every Christmas and listen to the soundtrack over and over. My favorite song has always been Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby but the last few weeks one of the songs touched my heart in a new way. 

We went and saw the play last night. This was my second time seeing it and I had forgotten what an amazing experience it is. By the end of the play the Spirit is so strong. Michael Mclean leads the entire audience and choir in a song he wrote, it's a simple song that repeats one sentence over and over "We''ll be together forever someday" He asks everyone to remember someone they had hoped could be there with them but for some reason could not while they sang the song. As Jason and I walked to our car after the play Jason finally voiced what both of us were feeling,

"I miss our baby"

Miscarriage is a funny thing isn't it? Ever since we found out at 11 weeks that our baby's heart stopped beating sometime around 8 weeks, I told Jason that miscarriage is so taboo. People don't know what to say, they don't know if they should bring it up, or let us bring it up, I didn't know how to feel at times I felt it was my fault, I must have done something wrong, I was surprised with how devastated I was. I wanted people to know but I also didn't want people to know. Something Jason and I have are miscarriages are common, a lot of women experience the and that should be comforting yet it isn't really comforting. 

Our baby would have been 20 weeks old today. I would have been halfway through my pregnancy instead we are still waiting for my body to heal to be ready to house another little spirit that hopefully this next time we would get to meet. 

I have found comfort through this trial, we have seen the Lord's hand in our life. I got a  new job the same day we found out about our miscarriage, so I have had something new to focus on. We have are lucky to live in an area full of friends who are more like family (or family who are more like friends) and have been amazed at the time they have taken to help us, we have had meals and care packages brought over, many priesthood blessings, and many prayers. 

Like I said at the beginning of this post I have always loved the song Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby and the past few weeks I keep repeating one line when ever I feel hopeless "Those like me who can't have children, still can be mothers"

 I know one day, someday that I will have children but I have taken comfort in knowing that I do not need to have children to be a mother. I have found comfort in this little blog universe and have read and reread many blog posts of women who have miscarried. One post that really  has stood out to me is one by Kayla Lemmon, Motherhood is for Everyone. 

Another post I read just last night and is the post that convinced me to write about this (Miscarriages and Moving Forward) I am so grateful to the women who have taken time to share their experiences and help me through mine.